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At “Pride of a Champion,” newly inducted Hall of Famer Mark Coleman announced that he would be returning to the Octagon to fight Brock Lesnar. The match is slated to go down August 9th in Lesnar’s adopted hometown of Minneapolis; it will be Coleman’s first fight since losing to Fedor Emelianenko in October 2006 at PRIDE 32, and his first UFC appearance since 1999.

This is kind of like the UFC’s version of Kimbo Slice vs. Tank Abbott — the much-hyped new crossover star against the faded veteran. The major difference is that Tank, even in his prime, wasn’t worthy of hand-washing Mark Coleman’s jock. And unfortunately for Brock Lesnar, his strengths are basically canceled out in this matchup. Brock was a dominant amateur wrestler? So was Coleman. Brock’s got scary ground-and-pound? Mark Coleman invented that shit. Lesnar’s only advantages are youth and athleticism. Does that trump Coleman’s 12 years of ring experience, during which he threw down with legends like Dan Severn, Don Frye, Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira, Mirko Cro Cop, and Fedor?

In retrospect, putting Brock Lesnar up against Frank Mir in Lesnar’s first UFC fight was a bad, bad idea, and this could be just as bad, if not worse. Coleman lacks Mir’s submission mastery, but he’ll test Brock’s chin with his heavy hands, and he won’t go to the ground as easily as Mir did.

We’ve given EliteXC a lot of grief for protecting Kimbo Slice with cut-rate competition, but at least they understand how to build up a franchise star — one can at a time. I’m starting to wonder if building Brock Lesnar as an MMA star was even the UFC’s intention to begin with. Was Dana White’s secondary motivation behind signing him (after the huge PPV buys) to prove that pro wrestlers would get stomped by skilled MMA fighters? I’m not saying I would have particularly enjoyed seeing Lesnar face Justin McCully, but what happens after he goes 0-2?

Here’s one of the dudes waiting in line to meet Houston Alexander, Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira, and Sam Stout at the UFC booth at Saturday’s Arnold Classic, a multi-sport athletic competition and fitness convention held in Columbus every year. On the way to the Greater Columbus Convention Center, my West Indian cab driver told me he’d actually caught a glimpse of Arnold himself that morning, coming out of his hotel: “He looked great. He looks about 250, 280 pounds, and he had no wrinkles. The man is 60 years old. My father is 60. He doesn’t look like that.” I asked him what he thought Arnold’s secret was for staying so youthful. “Steroids and buttocks,” he said. I think he was trying to say “botox,” but he could have just as easily meant “getting tons of ass.”

It would not be the last time I spotted this haircut…

Anderson Silva left the Nationwide Arena on Saturday night with the bank account of a champion, pulling in $120,000 in bonuses on top of his usual salary and win bonus (which were $60,000 each for his previous title defense at UFC 77). As announced in a press conference following the event, the UFC distributed its customary end-of-night bonuses like this:

Fight of the Night: $60,000 each for Anderson Silva and Dan Henderson.

Submission of the Night: $60,000 for Anderson Silva. It was the night’s only submission, unless you count the tapout-by-strikes that Diego Sanchez scored at the expense of David Bielkheden.

Knockout of the Night: $60,000 for Chris Leben.

So, another 1-for-3 performance on our bonus predictions, though we did call Arlovski for a KO/TKO in the second round. And Diego did technically win by submission. You know, I think we’ll just start predicting the outcomes from now on; we’d sound a lot smarter that way.

Take a look before it’s pulled…

Oh this? It’s just me hangin’ out at a 7/11 on the OSU campus in Columbus with my buddy, UFC welterweight champion Matt Serra. Pretty average Saturday night, really.

Alright, let me explain. You want the long version? Good.

The hierarchy of hatred in Columbus, Ohio, seems to go like this:

1) The University of Michigan, particularly its football team and its mascot, the wolverine.
2) New Yorkers.
3) All other non-Ohio residents.

As a U of Michigan grad who’s lived in New York for the last 5+ years, I could feel their eyes as soon as I stopped into Tommy’s Pizza to take a piss. It wasn’t paranoia; they knew. I got a sense of what it must feel like for a Crip to walk through a Blood neighborhood. That’s both an apt metaphor and a totally lazy one, as most people on the Ohio State campus — where I booked my hotel, mainly out of curiosity — were flying Blood-like colors yesterday. Literally everyone under the age of 25 and over the age of 50 was decked out in Ohio State sweatshirts, jackets, hats, whatever. It turns out that the Ohio State Wrestling Championships were that weekend — fitting, since former OSU wrestling champ Mark Coleman was going to be inducted in the UFC’s Hall of Fame that night — and the sporting types of Columbus were showing their support. So here I come into Tommy’s with my black pea-coat and reptilian loafers (already I was thinking afterparty), and my big Jew nose, reeking of Ann Arbor pheromones. Forks hits plates, a record scratched.

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(Arlovski climbs the cage after vanquishing the evil forces of Lay ‘n Pray. Photo courtesy of my Canon Powershot.)

Andre Arlovski def. Jake O’Brien via ground-and-pound TKO at 4:17 of round 2
It’s hard to describe how cathartic it was to see Andrei Arlovski triumph over the excrutiatingly dull, cheap-suit-like wrestling-tactics of Jake O’Brien. In the first round, O’Brien shot in for takedown attempt after takedown attempt, and Andrei sprawled on all of them. It didn’t matter that O’Brien’s success rate was nearly zero; he was going to stick with his one attack, come hell or high water, booing fans be damned, because if the match went three rounds, he’d probably pick up the decision. But in the second round, Arlovski was able to take O’Brien to the mat and started droppin’ fists. O’Brien had no answer, the fight was stopped, and O’Brien took his first much-needed loss. Arlovski’s back, baby — just in time to leave the UFC over contract squabbles.

Luigi Fiorvanti def. Luke Cummo via unanimous decision
Luigi threw the “Silent Assassin” all over the cage for three agonizing rounds. There really isn’t much to say about this one except that Cummo looked like shit. I don’t even mean his performance, I’m talking about his physical appearance. Living off a diet of bark and urine doesn’t seem to contribute to an impressive physique or healthy skin tone.

Josh Koscheck def. Dustin Hazelett via TKO (head kick, punches on ground) at 1:24 of round 2
This one was the best fight of the undercard, easy. Hazelett rocked Koscheck with a punch early, which freaked Kos out enough for him to start throwing wild haymakers. After the opening brawl, Kos shot in for a takedown, and Hazelett sunk in a guillatine choke that nearly ended the match. Kos shook out of it and found himself in a traingle choke instead. Luckily, the bell rang. Koscheck turned it on the second, catching Hazelett with a thunderous head kick that sent him (both of them, actually) to the mat. Kos went in for the kill with punches from the top and it was all over.

Diego Sanchez submits David Bielkheden via strikes at 4:43 of round 1
Sanchez shot in for a takedown right after the opening bell, and never gave Bielkheden a chance to breathe. He worked some strikes from the top position until he scored full mount and started jackhammer-punching him in the face. Bielkheden didn’t wait around for the ref to stop the action and tapped out from the abuse. For that, he earned CagePotato’s Bitch of the Night bonus ($5).

Jorge Gurgel def. John Halverson via unanimous decision
Gurgel had Halvorson on his back eating leather more than once, but couldn’t find a way to finish him. Still, the Ohio crowd cheered hard for their homeboy through the match and showed mad love after his hand was raised. “Ohio is my family,” he said. Awww!

Guest Liveblogger Ben Fowlkes here, all set and ready to go for UFC 82. I’m looking forward to a good night of fights, which I’m warming up for by watching Dana White swear through the countdown show. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Click the “MORE” link and refresh the page every few minutes for round-by-round updates.

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(Easy come, easy go: Horwich and McGivern)

You’ve already read our blow-by-blow results of IFL’s rock ‘em sock ‘em season opener. Now, Ben Fowlkes gives his insider’s perspective on last night’s action. Read it and learn something.

I already knew Matt Horwich could take a punch, but I didn’t know until last night that he could take so many and remain so unfazed. Ryan McGivern hit Horwich with everything but a Zuffa lawsuit in their five-round fight. It made for a sharp contrast from the wrestling match that erupted the last time these two fought, and it proved that while both have come a long way, McGivern is improving at an almost frightening rate.

That’s not to say it was an easy night for McGivern, even if he did walk away with the title. I saw him backstage and his face had already turned several different colors, though he was so happy I don’t think he noticed. For those who were surprised to see McGivern win with his striking, perhaps this anecdote from Pat Miletich will clear it up.

Miletich said that during the training for this fight, they brought in a pro boxer to go a few rounds sparring with McGivern. After three rounds, the guy was done. McGivern had destroyed his ribs. So then a Muay Thai fighter got in there to help him finish up, but after a couple of rounds he was finished as well. Then, Miletich said, one of his guys “who holds a belt in another organization” got in against McGivern, and he also took a beating. No wonder McGivern is the new champ.

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(Ryan “The Lion” Schultz G-n-P’s John Gunderson.)

Last night at the Orleans Arena in Vegas, 3,931 fans watched the IFL kick off its 2008 season with three title matches - lightweight, middleweight, and heavyweight - in addition to their camp-on-camp battles. Ryan “The Lion” Schultz, who won the lightweight title back in December when he beat the shit out of previously undefeated Chris Horodecki, retained his title by earning a unanimous decision over John Gunderson. “The Lion” claimed recently that Gunderson had been offered this fight many times, but had neglected to take it until now. The champ held a strong position through much of the fight - which was fought on the ground for the most part. Both Schultz and Gunderson had chances to end the fight with a choke early on, but neither could execute it.

Heavyweight Roy “Big Country” Nelson also successfully defended his belt by getting a TKO over Fabiano Scherner at 3:20 in the first round. “Big Country” has been improving his striking and this fight showed that as he unleashed a barrage of rights to get a stoppage.

(”Big Country” has a celebratory seizure.)

One title did switch hands and it happened the night before the ex-champ’s wedding, too. Matt Horwich put his middleweight title on the line against Ryan McGivern, which made for the best fight of the night. Horwich almost ended it via armbar in the second round, but the bell saved McGivern’s ass. Horwich almost went down himself in the fourth when McGivern drilled him with a flurry of strikes, but “The Fighting Hippy” held on. In the end, a unanimous decision gave the middleweight crown over to McGivern, ending a two month run as champ for Horwich. Hope he ices his face for the sake of the wedding pictures - he didn’t grow the mohawk out for nothing.

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Strikeforce lightweight champ Gilbert Melendez…

…American Idol runner-up Justin Guarini…

…and Sideshow Bob.

(Rampage, Randy, Hendo, and Trigg at the day job.)

— On the BetUS Radio show, Damon and I debated which news story was bigger: Kimbo Slice on CBS or Spuds McKenzie on the center of the Octagon.

— Bob Sapp defended his crown as the worst pound-for-pound fighter in MMA history.

— Joe Riggs busted his back and played a piss-prank on a paraplegic.

— A simple, innocent video list on illegal knockouts turned into a total fucking fiasco. In retrospect, we should have replaced Huerta/Halvorsen with Herring/Nakao/”I’m not gay.” Commenter Matt Tatt sincerely hoped we die for publishing such an inaccurate feature. Sounds like my last editor!

— Taking a last-minute fight against Jon Fitch at a reduced pay rate? Chris Wilson is crazy like a fox.

— During our UFC 82 preview coverage, we explained why Anderson Silva is still going to be the champion on Sunday morning, wondered if Josh Koscheck’s Octagon days are numbered, and took wild guesses at who’ll be walking around with a little more spending money.

— We saluted MMA’s style pioneers.

— Bill Goldberg currently leads Mike Goldberg 62% to 38% in our current poll on which Goldberg should never be allowed near a microphone again.

Don’t forget to watch the IFL’s season opener tonight, and come back here tomorrow night at 10 p.m. for our rip-roarin’ UFC 82 liveblog. Our prediction? PAIN.

EliteXC signs with CBS. The UFC signs with Budwesier. And CagePotato.com makes its first appearance on BetUS Radio.

It was a monumental week for MMA, and Damon D had me on the show today to plug the Potato, discuss the week’s wild news, and guide all you gambling addicts through the smart picks at UFC 82. I’d like to thank whoever gave me a cold this week, which left my naturally warm and sonorous voice a nasally, scratchy wreck. I’d also like to thank Sprint for their always crystal-clear cell phone reception. (Honestly, it sounds like I did the show via tin-cans-and-string from the bottom of a coal mine.) And on an unsarcastic note, I want to give a big shout-out to Damon for letting me swing by and talk shit for 40 minutes. The man’s energy…is contagious. Check out BetUS’s official UFC 82 odds here, and GO HERE TO LISTEN TO THE SHOW! You can also find the podcast in the iTunes store; just search for “UFC,” then click “See All” in the Podcasts section. Feedback appreciated!

Also Important: As I mentioned at the end of the show, I’m flying down to Columbus tomorrow to take in the fights, and I’ll have some first-person impressions and exclusives for you by Monday. Liveblogging the action in my place will be TheFightingLife’s Ben Fowlkes, so be sure to come back here tomorrow night starting at 10pm ET/7pm PT for round-by-round updates. And go easy on him, okay?

The IFL’s “New Blood - New Battles” season opener goes down tonight at the Orleans Arena in Las Vegas, with Team Tompkins set to do battle against Mario Sperry’s World Class Fight Center, and Matt Lindland’s Team Quest facing off against Ken Shamrock’s Lions Den. Also, title-holders Ryan Schultz (lightweight), Matt Horwich (middleweight), and Roy Nelson (heavyweight) will defend their belts against John Gunderson, Ryan McGivern, and Fabiano Scherner, respectively. TheFightingLife’s Ben Fowlkes (who also writes news for IFL.tv) has been on the scene since Tuesday and gave us this glimpse into the high-tension among the fighters before the event. Watch the action tonight on HDNet, starting at 11 p.m. ET/8 p.m. PT.

Covering the IFL for the past year and a half, here’s one lesson I’ve learned: during any interview with Matt Lindland, he’s going to get mad at me at least once. I can never tell what will cause it; it could be anything. This time it’s Kimbo Slice.

It’s the day before the IFL Las Vegas event and we’re interviewing all the fighters and coaches. It can be monotonous, to say the least. We get just about everyone to weigh in on Kimbo, but as soon as I ask what Lindland thinks of him, the mood of the interview changes.

“He’s a bum,” says Lindland. The look on his face tells me to leave it alone. I ask what he means by that. He glares at me. I bring this on myself. I really do.

“I mean he’s a bum,” he says. “He’s a nobody. What do you want me to say? You asked me what I thought and I told you. I don’t have anything else to say about him.”

The hell of it is, despite how ornery he can be I really like Lindland. I can’t help it. Even when he gives me the look like he’s trying to figure out how one human being ever got to be this stupid, at least I know it’s sincere. You have to respect honesty like that.

Writing about fighters, sometimes honesty is difficult to gauge. Do these two guys really hate each other, I find myself asking, or are they just trying to hype the fight? In the build-up to Friday night’s IFL event, I wondered this about Ian Loveland and Dennis Davis, two former teammates who are slated to go at it.

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9. Don Frye

Full pints of 40-year-old ball-sweat have passed through the Predator’s Old Glory nut-huggers. Just seems a little disrespectful, that’s all.

8. Ken Shamrock

Watching Ken sport these old-schoolers transports us to the time we spotted the 80-year-old next door during one of her “spells.” Those are some granny panties we’ll never get out of our mind.

7. Rich Franklin

Half badass, half…pink? He earned the right to get his ass handed to him by Anderson Silva. But he was a hit at the post-fight pride parade.

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(Andrei Arlovski could be one paid motherfucker tomorrow.)

Our monthly roundup in which we express fight predictions via the UFC’s customary “Of the Night” payouts. Last time didn’t go so hot, but we have a good feeling about UFC 82. Again, here’s the lineup:

MAIN CARD
Anderson Silva vs. Dan Henderson
Heath Herring vs. Cheick Kongo
Chris Leben vs. Alessio Sakara
Yushin Okami vs. Evan Tanner
Jon Fitch vs. Chris Wilson

PRELIMINARY CARD
Andrei Arlovski vs. Jake O’Brien
Luke Cummo vs. Luigi Fioravanti
Josh Koscheck vs. Dustin Hazelett
Diego Sanchez vs. David Bielkheden
Jorge Gurgel vs. John Halverson

Fight of the Night: How could it not be Silva vs. Henderson? It’s rare that the Octagon hosts this much combined talent. We see this one going into the championship rounds, with both men pounding the hell out of each other along the way. As you know, we’re leaning toward Silva.

Knockout of the Night: Andrei Arlovski. Other MMA pundits have said that the undefeated O’Brien will grind his way to a lay-and-pray victory, but Arlovski is coming into this fight with the combined rage of 10,000 insulted Soviets, and he’ll be looking to prove that undercards are beneath him. There’s a chance this could be his last fight for the UFC, so putting an exclamation point at the end of his Octagon career would be a priority; we’ll say KO/TKO, round 2. Dark horse: Jon Fitch. His fight against Chris Wilson may look like a mismatch, but Wilson’s ground skills are underrated. Still, we see Fitch putting Wilson out on his feet early.

Submission of the Night: Josh Koscheck. Speaking of mismatches…Koscheck’s recent performances haven’t been awe-inspiring, and he knows he needs a dramatic win against the gift-wrapped Dustin Hazelett, who’s never faced an opponent as skilled as Kos; it’s looking like a first-round armbar. Dark horse: Sanchez over Bielkheden. Same deal as with Koscheck — Bielkheden is being brought in for his UFC debut to build Sanchez’s confidence, and on paper, Sanchez’s ground game scores much higher. But if Ali Sonoma is still fucking with his concentration, we’ll stop short of saying this is a guaranteed win for Nightmare…

See it differently? Let us know in the comments…

(Tompkins at work.)

The first round of the UFC/Randy Couture legal dust-up was scored 10-9 for the UFC, as Xtreme Couture has asked the IFL to remove their name from tonight’s 2008 season opener (more on that later) due to Randy’s ongoing litigation with the UFC. MMAPayout reports that the camp will instead use the name Team Tompkins, named for Xtreme Couture’s head trainer Shawn Tompkins, who has been coaching the team. Team Tompkins will feature last year’s contenders Chris Horodecki and Benji Radach, and reigning welterweight champion Jay Hieron. According to Joe Favorito, the IFL’s Senior VP of Communications, “The IFL is not in any way involved in this litigation, we are doing this out of professional courtesy for Randy and his group.” According to FightOpinion, judge Jennifer Togliatti ruled for further proceedings in terms of discovery (whatever that means), with the next hearing set for March 6th.

Though this move seems like a major concession to the UFC’s complaint that Couture is promoting other MMA organizations, he still has that “false and injurious statements” thing to deal with, which won’t be as easily solved as a name change. But at least it looks like Couture won’t be stonewalling for stonewalling’s sake; he’s willing to bend on the small stuff in order to free himself from his contract. More on this as it comes…

Previously: Shawn Tompkins Gets Knocked Out Four Times

And also: Inside Xtreme Couture Episode 2

All things must pass. And so it went with Tito Ortiz, who found himself on the business end of a “y’fiyahd” last night on Celebrity Apprentice. Coerced into leading Team Empresario by Omarosa (who knew the next losing project manager would likely get pink-slipped), Ortiz had to develop a four-page ad spread for Dove Yogurt Bodywash or some shit, with Omarosa, Trace Adkins, and Stephen Baldwin as his associates. Unfortunately, Ortiz was a bit lost on how to approach the challenge, and Baldwin stepped in as the team’s de-facto leader, organizing a photo shoot that saw Trace seducing a hot model in a desert. It turned out surprisingly well, but Ortiz was a shifty, stammering mess when he was called on to present their work to a trio of Dove executives. Here’s one line from his pitch:

“Of course we used Trace, the reason why we used Trace is the demographics that we did have were from ladies ranging from the age of 20, or excuse me, 30 to 59, which, uh, most country folk ladies that would love Trace’s, uh…y’know, kinda push the product exactly.”

And such as. He also pronounced perfect (adj.) as per-FECT, and risque as RISK-ay. In the end, the Dove execs picked Team Hydra’s advertorial, which featured Carol Alt taking a bath and getting bitten, Marv Albert-style, by a male model. Thus, Ortiz was on the chopping block. And though Omarosa was called out for dodging a challenge that fit into her area of expertise (marketing, not washing), and Baldwin was criticized for being an overbearing prick who was directly responsible for their losing concept, the buck stopped at the project manager, and Tito was dunzo.

But Trump was so impressed with Ortiz’s performance on the show that he gave the HBBB $50,000 anyway for his charity. He called Tito “really special” and “the best there is,” which is strange because Ortiz honestly didn’t do that well on the show; he never got a chance to show off his leadership skills or business acumen, and only lasted as long as he did by hiding behind the greater failures of others. It reminded me of that SNL sketch “The Sinatra Group” where Frank Sinatra (Phil Hartman) tells 2 Live Crew’s Luther Campbell (Chris Rock) “you don’t need to work blue, kid, you got talent,” and Rock is like “no, I really don’t.” I wish that video didn’t cut off in the middle so you could actually see what I’m talking about.

“Issue #4: Milli Vanilli, what is this faggot crap?” Classic.

(Alvarez vs. Derrick Noble in ‘06.)

Although Eddie Alvarez signed a multi-fight deal with the EliteXC last month, he has also agreed to fight in DREAM’s Lightweight Grand Prix. 5oz. of Pain confirmed the deal this afternoon. The tournament will be in Japan on March 15th. Alvarez will fight Andre “Dida” Amade in the first round.

“The fight is 100 percent,” began Alvarez. “I just got a call from my manager, Monte Cox, everything is underway. Everything is approved and I will be heading over there (Japan) on the 10th to fight in the lightweight Grand Prix. I’m excited.”

“Monte (Cox) talked it over with EliteXC and EliteXC was happy to work with DREAM,” Alvarez responded when asked if special permission was needed to compete in a tournament that could require Alvarez to fight on three separate DREAM shows. “I’m sure they want to do business with them in the future so I’m sure they are more than happy to lend me over and let me do the fight.”

Alvarez also said he might be fighting in May for an EliteXC Atlantic City event, but nothing is set in stone. He will certainly be busy getting down to lightweight for the fight and mentioned he is doing three-a-days to make weight. The fighter is 12-1 overall and last fought on January 25th when he defeated Ross Ebanez via TKO in the second round of their battle at The ShoXC Elite Challenger Series. He’s an exciting fighter to watch and has only lost to Nick “The Goat” Thompson (April, 2007).

Andre “Dida” Amade is 6-2-1, losing his very first pro fight and his latest - a submission loss to Gesias Calvancante last September at K-1 HERO’s - Tournament Final. He has been with K-1 his last four fights. Amade is with Chute Box; Alvarez from Philly’s Fight Factory.

Gotta’ hand it to the guys at DREAM for putting together a solid card so far. More than I can say for another organization set to debut soon.

(The future centerpieces of the UFC.)

I don’t make a habit of reading askmen.com unless I’m researching how to properly organize my closet or how taking a cooking class can make me a better lover - my closet has never looked better by the way - but MMA News is directing attention to askmen’s article, 5 Things You Didn’t Know: The UFC. The piece digs up some absurd stuff we knew and some we didn’t about the organization. Case in point:

1- It was supposed to involve alligators
If nothing else, you can’t successfully accuse the original promoters of the UFC of failing to think big. Specifically, in addition to such outrageous ideas as putting electric fences around the ring, one of their many schemes was to include live alligators thrashing around in moats. Fortunately, UFC doctors were a bit more practical in their thinking, advising against such plans because of the potential harm these could do to the fighters.

Was Bob Meyrowitz behind the curtain on this one? It doesn’t give an exact date as to when the gators were to make their appearance, but I’m guessing YAMMA’s showman had crocs and gators as an idea for a new “surface”.

Point number two details John McCain’s flip-flop on his stance concerning MMA, specifically the UFC. That we are well aware of - as we are of point number five, which is that Dana White kept Tito in the UFC in 2006 by offering to go three rounds with him - a ploy that likely won’t work this time around.
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Apparently I’m a subscriber to the UFC.com newsletter — which means I can totally buy tickets before the rest of you commoners, right? — and this poster came into my inbox today. Maybe this is nit-picky, especially in light of the three amazing headlining fights on this card, but can we talk about the “ill will” font? The name wasn’t blowing me away to begin with, and that’s the weakest, most limp-dicked presentation I’ve ever seen. White crayon, all lowercase? If that’s that creative direction they were going with, why not call the event “nap time” or “i’m sad”? Whatever happened to overcompensation? If I was designing this thing, I’d put “ill will” in all caps, in a tread plate-inspired font that shot fucking fireballs. No, don’t thank me, my wisdom is a gift to the world.